My Wonderful Life

My list of complaints...keeping it real!

2008-06-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

So the first week postpartum was really tough to be honest with you. I kept telling myself to not complain because it wasn't a cesarean this time and that is so much worse! I would focus on the positive points of the amazing delivery I had. My head still spins with all the blessings and the wonderful outcome! I never dreamed my delivery would be so wonderful!

The whole time I was quite nervous about having to go in for another c-section. But my v-bac was successful, my epidural worked, our son came out beautiful and healthy, life is good!

Then the epidural wore off...ow! The first week was filled with extremely sore "undercarriage" (yes that is what I call my perineum, I like my word better!) because of my tear and stitches. It hurt to walk, it hurt to sit, it even hurt to stand too long. I felt like everything was just going to fall out of me! And then my abdomen hurt like I had been punched in the stomach over and over. Yes, I did forget what it is like. Of course it makes sense that all my organs will feel bruised after months of being squished out of the way and kicked repeatedly. They were very tender as everything was trying to migrate back into place (still is!) Then my chest...OH MY GOODNESS! Okay, first of all I have to point out that for some reason I have the ability to produce enough milk to feed a village of babies. But the problem is that I only have one baby. So for the first few weeks my breast feel like they have beaten with a meat tenderizer. They hurt so bad that I cannot even move my arms or hold my baby without pain. (I go from a B cup to a DD cup and once I get things under control after a couple weeks down to a D cup!)In just the past couple days they have been feeling better finally, but still sore (and still DD!). So that is my main complaints, and I haven't even talked about my terrible hemorrhoids and constipation issues, or the fact that all my muscles feel like jello from being on bed rest for so long and that I get tired from doing anything. I am kind of use to the no sleep thing because I have been awake at night with contractions for three months, now it is just being up for longer periods of time taking care of our son which is a nicer reason to be up!

Now there is one complaint that I have that is very confusing to me. I would like opinions and help to know what is wrong. My right hand is ALWAYS NUMB! I have a constant tingling in my hand! It always feels like it is asleep and NEVER goes away! At the best my fingertips are numb and tingly (like right now) and at it's worst my whole hand is numb, tingly and I cannot grip anything. It is actually getting worse with time! It is more annoying and frustrating than anything else. I am going to go to my chiropractor and ask if it is a pinched nerve somewhere. My OB said that it is from the swelling and should go away. But I have never had this before and I haven't been swollen for two weeks! So if anyone else has experienced this, I would love some advice!

I have been trying to get back into life again and do something with the children everyday. It is nice to be on the road to recovery and I count my blessings everyday. I just had to complain a little. This blog is suppose to be "real" and I didn't want anyone to think I was bouncing back without the normal problems. We all have them. I have appreciated my privacy. Friends and family (for the most part) have respected my feelings and given our family the privacy that we need to get things together and figure out our new normal. I do look forward to having my body back, but heh, it has only been a little over two weeks! I think I am doing pretty darned good!

Look at the diffference!!!

2008-06-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

I went into the hospital at 26 weeks, this first picture is of a baby born at 26 weeks! This is what I cried and pleaded in prayer daily not to happen to our baby boy...So tiny and helpless. Not being able to be with his family for months, fighting for his life. My heart and prayers go out to every parent and family member of preemie babies. Our 2 1/2 year old son was preemie, I do know how scary it is even though he wasn't this tiny. He was born at 32 weeks. We were lucky, we know that.

Now look at our healthy, chubby, thriving 37 week baby boy! This photos was taken in when he was a day old. How blessed! All those weeks of bed rest and all the help we received from friends and family, it is all worth it. Just look at him! We are more blessed than we ever thought possible. We were afraid to hope at times. Sometimes we were afraid to pray too hard for this miracle so we just prayed to be given the strength to handle what was suppose to happen but always putting a "P.S." on our prayers that what was "suppose" to happen was our son to be healthy and term. Thank you!!!!!

He's here!

2008-06-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

Life has been kind of crazy the past week because our little son was born on Sunday, June 1st! Wow I can hardly believe it! Here is an e-mail I sent out to friends and family...

Yeah! Our precious little Andrew is here! We are so happy! This was the most difficult pregnancy I have ever had but it was the best delivery I have ever had! It could not have gone better! We got everything we asked for...it is truly a miracle! For example here is a short list of our answered prayers;
1. Andrew was born term and very healthy!
2. I was able to have a successful VBAC without any complications.
3. We made it to June, our June baby!

So for those of you who are interested I will tell you the whole story. If you are not interested then skip the rest and just look at pictures!

I was 37 weeks on Friday, May 30th. My doctor wanted me to make it to 37 weeks. I went to the doctor that afternoon and was told I had dilated to a three. My hopes were not up because I was dilated to a three for five weeks with Nick so no big deal. I felt really great! I was also told that my last injection should be worn off by Sunday. I also stopped taking my Rx at home on Thursday.

On Saturday we went to Salem to go to Walmart to get things we needed and get out of the house. It was a fun trip and I loved being out. However that afternoon I really started to hurt with my contractions coming every 20-30 minutes and being very intense. I did not sleep much Saturday night.

Sunday morning I was really tired and decided to stay home from church since as of 8:00AM my contractions were every 5-15 minutes and getting even harder. I sent the family to church though thinking it was no big deal. Remember, I had been contracting for 11 weeks now! Nathan called from church asking if he should come home and take me to the hospital. I told him not to come home yet and that I would be fine. They came home after church at about 12:30. We had lunch and took it easy clocking my contractions which were now every 3-8 minutes.

At 2:00 I finally decide to call a friend over to watch the children so Nathan and I could go to the hospital and I could "get checked". I really wasn't sure I was in labor because I had gone in this last Wednesday night and was sent home even though I was very sure. So I guess I was just trying not to get my hopes up again.

We arrived a little bit after 2:00. The doctor checked me said it was the real deal and I was staying! Wow! I could hardly believe it! After all this time he was actually coming!

So they gave me an epidural right away because I was a VBAC they had to be prepared with the spinal in me in case I had to be rushed to an emergency Cesarean. I was nervous the whole time! That slowed down my labor so he broke my bag of water. That kicked things up again but then I slowed again towards the end so they gave me a light drip of Pitocin. I was worried about this because my doctor had told me they wouldn't give me any Pit because I was a VBAC and it would make my uterus work too hard and increase my risk of a rupture. But this doctor assured me they were giving me a very small dose just to help me along.

Then at about 8:15PM I was fully dilated and ready to push. My contractions were still not consistent though! They were only coming every 2-5 minutes and I was pushing! I asked the doctor why my body was doing this and he very matter-of-fact explained, "your uterus has been contracting for months, it's tired." Oh, that makes sense.

But it did add to the wonderful delivery though. Not only did my epidural work (never had that before) so I could feel the contractions and know when and how to push but there wasn't too much pain. And I had a few five minute breaks in there where I could really recover and not get worn out. It was wonderful!

Andrew was born at 9:07PM weighing 7 pounds and 11 ounces and measuring 20 inches long! The doctor was surprised at how big he was, but I wasn't! I have big babies, it is a fact of life, and I knew he was big. But the important part is that he is healthy! And he is so beautiful and sweet! I am so in love!!!!

So there you go, the rest of the story! We came home a little after 5:00PM on Tuesday and have been doing well. Nathan's parents came out again and are here helping as long as we need them. The kids are all very much in love with their new baby brother and Nathan and I are so in awe with all of our blessings! Andrew is doing great and sleeping a lot (at least during the day while being held!). I am recovering pretty well. I did receive a 2nd degree tear and have to tend to some stitches now but no big deal. I have had to recover from a Cesarean before so I am not complaining!

Here are some photos of our beautiful boy!

This one was right after he was born, less than an hour old. Yes, I have make-up on because it was Sunday and I had gotten ready for church even though I ended up not going and was in labor all day. We are so happy!!!!!!!

These two are after he came home. I cannot believe I was able to bring him right home with me! Yeah! One asleep and one awake, oh so precious!!!

What I am ready to trade...

2008-05-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

I was going to bathroom AGAIN (I go so many times in a day that I lose count) and I thought to myself, "Well, when I am not pregnant anymore we'll save money on all this toilet paper I use!" Then I countered myself with, "But I will be trading buying extra toilet paper for buying diapers." Which we all know will cost way more!

Then I got thinking about it and there are many things that we as mother's "trade" when we graduate from pregnant mommy to mommy of a newborn. Here are a few I have thought of. Please let me know if there ones you think of that I haven't!

1. cost of extra rolls of TP for the cost of diapers and wipes
2. waking several times every night to pee or breath through contractions for waking several times a night to feed a hungry baby
3. using spray n" wash to get stains out of your clothes from spilling on your larger than life belly for using spray n" wash to get spit up stains off your shoulder and blow out stains off your baby's pants.
4. aching back from the weight of your belly for aching back from the weight of the baby, car seat, and diaper bag
5. my own crying and complaining for my baby's crying.
6. having no sex life because of being huge and miserable for having no sex life because I am too tired.
7. my big huge belly for big engorged nursing breasts.
8. friends and family rubbing my belly and giving me attention for being completly ignored as everyone just wants to see the new baby. (I actually love it when my children kiss my belly, or my husband rubs my belly, and when they talk to our baby in there!)
9. And the best trade of all...dreaming of my baby, how he will look, smell, and be like for actually holding our new son and smelling his sweet head and getting to know him as he grows!
10. Another best trade... our amazing, loving family of five for an even more amazing loving and COMPLETE family of six!!! (I am not saying that six is the right number for every family, don't get me wrong. But it feels complete to us!)

Now, of course, these are mostly meant to be funny and light hearted. But the best humor usually comes from the truth! Honestly I cannot wait to make my trade! I am so excited to meet our new little son and hold him in my arms! I am also very excited to get my body back, including control of my bladder!!!

36 weeks!!!!

2008-05-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Yahoo!!! We made it! I am 36 weeks as of today! I cannot believe it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually make it this far. Really the only thing we have done differently as far as medical care goes is the weekly injections I have been getting since 16 weeks. Then when I went into the hospital at 26 weeks I was so devastated thinking that they weren't making a difference, but now I know they have!

I went into labor while on bed rest and taking my meds with my last two. So to have made it this far really feels like an impossible dream come true!

My husband and I celebrated our 36 week mark today. We went out for scones and smoothies and then to a baby resale shop where we found a baby bath for $2 and an adorable church outfit for our two year old for $9.50. Both in new condition! We also stopped at Bath and Body Works to take advantage of their sale! It has been so long since I have had some of their yummy scents!

What a high it is just to get out of the house. I did little walking and my contractions were staying under control. Now we are home and taking it easy. Being out was fun for me but also exhausting! I am not use to doing things!

At home it has been nice to be able to take care of my own son and do a few light chores around the house. This week my main goal was to get all the baby clothes and blankets washed and ready for our new little son. I can check that off my list!

I am enjoying my new found freedom, but I am also realizing how much my body has suffered from being on bed rest for so long. I get very tired and very sore very quickly and easily.

I really can't wait to meet our new son and get my body back! But the longer he stays in the better off he'll be! Take care!

Can't celebrate too much!

2008-05-16T13:07:00.001-07:00

Okay so I was very excited this morning and sent out my e-mail. I was feeling, and still am feeling GREAT emotionally. A huge fear is gone, the fear of having to take that dreadful two hour ambulance ride to deliver a preemie baby.

But I am realizing quite quickly that I cannot do too much yet! First of all I have been pretty much laying down for nine weeks so all my muscle tone, strength and energy is simply gone! Plus if I do try to do too much I start contracting harder - OWWW!

Every little thing I try to do I have to lay down and rest for at least a half hour afterwards. It is exhausting to just do the dishes, get my son and me lunch, etc!

A good friend called this morning and asked if she could take our two year old to the park with her boys. It is going to be in the mid 90s today! I told her that he would love that and asked if I could come too. It was so wonderful to get out of the house and be where other people are! I was able to see three wonderful friends there. I just sat on the park bench with my legs up talking while my friend took care of my son. But it was wonderful to be out!

Then when we got home (we were only gone for about an hour) I was wiped out! I laid on the couch with our son for a while, then got up and put away all the tupperware that he had pulled out earlier this morning, then laid down for a while, then got up and made us sandwiches and cut up apples for lunch, put him down for a nap and now I am typing this while I lay here with my feet up. Whew! What a day for me!

Although I really didn't do much, I feel like I have done too much. So I am going to go lay down for the rest of the afternoon with a book. I may not be on "strict" bed rest anymore, but I do have to listen to my body. I would love to go just two more weeks!

35 weeks!

2008-05-16T13:05:00.001-07:00

Here is an e-mail I sent out to some family and friends this morning...

Dear Friends and Family,

We made it!!!!!! I am now 35 weeks and can stay here in Albany if I deliver! You all have no idea how excited we! I truly cannot believe we made it NINE weeks on bed rest!

Yes, I know the medications have helped, but I promise you it is because I have been able to stay down that Andrew is still growing strong. I know this because when I have tried to get up too much I start contracting harder. I have so many to thank for the fact that our baby boy hasn't been born super preemie and isn't fighting for his life in the NICU two hours from home! Friends and neighbors have been a huge help, my in-laws and Brenda came to help (three weeks all together) sacrificing so much to be here for our family. We know they had to do some fancy footwork to rearrange busy schedules and leave important things at home to come and help our family for the sake of Andrew. We are so extremely grateful. We know how much we are loved, it has been shown to us over and over!

Local friends have made sacrifices to help and long distance friends have sent care packages. How did we ever get so lucky!?!?

The outstanding medical care we have received has been a great comfort and the many priesthood blessings Nathan has given me, the prayers that have been said in our behalf, the meals brought in, the help with Ben and household duties, the phone calls, childcare for weekly doctors appointments, everything has worked together to get us through the past nine weeks! THANK YOU!!!!

What now??? Well, I do not need daily help with Ben. I can get up off of "strict bed rest" and take care of my own son and his basic needs. I can do simple things like make our lunch sandwiches. I can do "light" housework. I will still be on my medications and taking it easy for two more weeks. After that Andrew will have developed to a safe point for sure.

I am so excited to be at this point that you have no idea! I am almost ready to burst (in more than one way!). The weather outside is gorgeous, Andrew is still growing inside of me, the kids and Nathan have survived and thrived! I am just so happy!!!

Again, I thank everyone who has helped. We are so overwhelmed with gratitude!!! The old African proverb that "it takes a village to raise a child" well, it also has taken a village to keep me pregnant!

Oh this brings up another point. I was talking to a friend and was asked if I had a hard time with the fact that my body just cannot carry babies well. Even with my doctor pulling out all the stops so to speak and doing everything possible to help me I still have had so much trouble, plus the past miscarriages. I want to tell you what I told her in case others are wondering the same thing. At first, nine weeks ago, I did break down and cry over this. Why does my body try to reject something that I want so badly? But I quickly got over it when I remembered that so many women in this world cannot ever even get pregnant or carry a child to viability. How heartbroken they must have felt. I have had the joy of feeling my child move and grow inside of me. That is a blessing that no amount of bed rest can ever take away. The bright side of being a mother far out ways any hard times. I am grateful for this awesome calling and opportunity and believe that I am very lucky. Every mother I have gotten to know has had their own personal struggles they have had to overcome. And they are all strong, faithfull dedicated mothers. So to answer the question, "No" I do not feel cheated. I know I am blessed!

LoveSatina

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

(This was typed up on Sunday, but I didn't get it posted. I was distracted and have come back to the computer to find it still here! Oops. Here it is...)

I have so much say today! It's Mother's Day and I am so grateful for this wonderful calling that my Father in Heaven has entrusted me with. The great responsibility to raise some of His precious spirits and do the best I can to help show them the way back to Him again. I am not perfect, I make a lot of mistakes. But the important part is that I admitt my mistakes and I try hard to never make them again.

I know I am getting very religious, but I am so humbled right now by the amazing responsibility and joy of motherhood! There is no other calling (Daddies come in a very close second) where you can work so closely in complete partnership with God! If done with the right attutude, motherhood can be a very spiritual experience! Marriage can too!

As I feel our little boy move inside of me I am in awe at the miracle that is taking place. To me, it seems the closest thing to holding hands with God. OH! I love my children so much!!!! I love my husband for being my partner on this amazing journey. It is just wonderful and I am just so overwhelmed that I cannot even put it into words. I pray that every mother, every parent can know this intese love and gratitude that I feel. I pray that every child can feel the love that I feel for my children.

It saddens me to think there are children, precious little spirits, who either do not have a mom and dad, or at least one that loves them. Or worse yet is to have parents but not feel loved by them. It is the worse kind of tragedy!

So to all the mothers out there who are sacrificing so much for their families, for all the mothers out there who never have had a child to call their own but have so many who love them, for all the mothers out there who are just starting out in their journeys, and for all the mothers out there who have generations under them...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Photos!

2008-05-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

My wonderful husband has a photography hobby and he is very good! For his birthday this past year he got backdrops and studio lighting. It is fun to work with. Here are some photos to share. They were taken this past Sunday...This one is of me and my belly at 33 weeks!!! It was a big effort to put on clothes and make-up. The hair had to be as-is because I didn't have the energy. Luckily I have one of those wash'n'wear styles!

In the middle of taking pictures I had a big contraction. I had to just lay still for a couple of minutes afterwards to "recover". My husband snapped this one without pre-approval. But I think it captures what I am going through a lot right now so we kept it.

After I recovered, Nathan (my wonderful husband) came and sat with me while his dad took his place behind the camera. I like this shot. I love this man!!!

Here is our two year old son. He is so precious! He just lights up the room wherever he is!
Here is our sweet angel, our 7 year old daughter. She has more compassion than anyone I know!And last but not least is our first born! Our 9 year old son. He wasn't too into doing the photo shoot so we didn't get many of him. He is nine after all and therefor too cool for that sort of thing. He is our creative genius and the best big brother anyone could ever have!

Well, I hope you enjoyed the photos! If you want you can check out more of Nathan's photography on his website www.pbase.com/ntolman

my mantra...

2008-05-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, after that last post I am feeling like such a whiner!!!! Wow! How pathetic! I really do have so much to be thankful for. Shame on me! I just need to remember my mantra for this time in my life, "No matter what happens, it could always be worse. Be grateful for what I have and where I am at."

So what, I am home alone while my family is at a carnival spending quality time together. At least I am at HOME and not in the NICU! At least I am still pregnant and not sitting next to my tiny son's isolette watching him fight for his life! I am grateful, really I am. Sorry to act like a spoiled whiner about everything. Thanks for listening (or in this case, reading).

Lonely and feeling like the "Bad Mom"

2008-05-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I have grandparent help and lots of friends and family that call regularly and love and care about us. But lately I have felt a little lonely. One of the heartaches of bedrest. Anybody else deal with this?

For example, the other day Grandma and Grandpa T. took B (our two year old) for a walk (they have several times because the weather has been nicer) and I was laying on the couch in front of the window. I watched them walk down the street a little ways. Grandma lifted B up to get a closer look at the flowers on a tree and then walk on. B was having a blast and I could tell by the skip in his step that he loved being outside. I, of course, started to cry because I couldn't be the one to take him out for a walk and I was missing out on the wonder and excitement of discovering flowers on a tree and all the other amazing things that two year olds see in their world. So I felt sorry for myself, I admit it.

And now, as I type this, My husband, children and in-laws are on their way to the annual elementary school BBQ. Now not only do I feel a bit guilty for not being able to help since I was on the committee and helped a lot over the last three years, but I also am feeling sorry for myself that I am left home alone. I don't get to enjoy the fun, the excitement of children, see friends (both adult and the kids...I love the kids!) and just be OUT!

So that is what I mean when I say "I feel lonely". Even with people here, even with a family who loves me, even with so many willing to help and serve, I sometimes feel overwhelmingly lonely. Sigh...just give me a moment, sometimes we just have to feel sorry for ourselves for a moment before we can move on. Acknowledge our feelings first before we can move past them. At least that is my coping skill. Please don't write me and tell me it is dysfunctional or stupid, it works for me okay!

I hate that for this short time, and I realize that it is just a short time and when all is said and done it will be no big deal, but I hate that I have to see my family living their lives through photos and video. Yes Yes Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Pity party, my house, now, no rsvp required!

Oh and other things. Like our two year old, B, has a double ear infection. I am his mommy and couldn't take him to the doctor yesterday! My in-laws had to do it! I feel like such a bad mom! And our nine year old son, N, had a magic show at cub scouts this last week and I had to watch it on video because I couldn't go. I have had to miss things with all of our children. I hope they forgive me and don't remember this time as a huge gapping hole in their childhood!

more help has arrived!

2008-04-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! I am feeling very spoiled! My mother-in-law arrived this afternoon so now we have three capable adults (husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law) and three wonderful children plus one bedridden pregnant woman. We are just about even!

I had my weekly doctors appointment yesterday and everything still looks great! I am 32 weeks down, 3 to go, plus a fourth shot. No problem! We can do his!

The little one is making himself known though, the kicks, jabs, and streeetches, are getting more powerful and more painful. I have been having a lot of dreams about him and look forward to the day (hopefully not for four more weeks) when I can meet him and hold him! I am getting so excited!!!!

Heavenly massage!

2008-04-24T17:01:00.000-07:00

Suggestion for bed-ridden individuals...get a massage! I am lucky enough to have a sweet friend, Tia Renly, who is a massage therapist with a portable massage table who can come to our house. I realize that not everyone is as lucky. But I highly recommend having somebody drive you to an appointment if you can, or find somebody who can come to the house (if you live in my area, call Tia!). She massaged my aching neck, shoulders, back, and hips. My hips were so tight that when I stood up off the table when she was done my hip made a very loud crack sound that was the greatest feeling of relief...I just cannot explain it. I was walking with a limp for a few days. Now I can put pressure on it without extreme pain! It's a miracle! Defiantly worth the money during this time, I would still be miserable if it wasn't for her magical touch! Thanks Tia!

Cloudy outside, Sunny inside!

2008-04-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I had much better sleep! I only woke up three times! I feel much better. Yesterday was a tough day to get through, it was all I could do not to take a nap so that I could hopefully get to sleep better last night. All my efforts paid off, I think I fell asleep around 11:30. Big improvement!

This morning I woke up and saw that it was yet another cloudy day in the pacific northwest, but then first our 7 year old daughter came into my room wearing a big smile and bringing sunshine with her. I got hugs and kisses and was asked if I was feeling better. She is so sweet! Then our 9 year old son came in with another sunshinny smile. They were very responsible this morning and got themselves ready for school without any coaching from me (trust me, it doesn't always work out so smoothly). It was so nice to see our children being so self-sufficient. Then our daughter came in for me to do her hair. Let me just tell you, she has the most beautiful hair I have ever seen! It is long, silky, thick, straight, and has about four different shades of natural blonde built in. They all dance and play off each other in the light. One of the highlights of my day is to comb through her hair! I will sit there and comb repeatedly through her silky mane and tell her, "you have the most beautiful hair in the world." To which she replies, "Mooom, you tell me that every time you comb my hair." I just hope each one of our children know just how precious they are, how beautiful they are inside and out. Then our two year old son woke up and after Grandpa got him changed and dressed he comes running across the house and into my room with the biggest smile ever! He climbed up on my bed and smiled at me with his nose touching mine. Then I snuck a quick kiss and he squealed with delight as he pulled back and covered his eyes. We spent a few minutes cuddling and tickling before he went out and got his breakfast.

Now the older two have left for school after sharing a morning prayer and lots of hugs and leaving me with even more sunshine. My two year old is smothering me with love as I am trying to type this blog. I have one arm cuddled around him while his head lays on my chest and I type this with one hand. Now he is wanting more attention so I think we will find a game to play. More later, I am going to go bask in my indoor sunshine!

all about control...or realizing I have none!

2008-04-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

"Control the things you can and trust that the Lord will take care of the rest." This is my new mantra for life. There are so many things I cannot control, and in all of God's wisdom I think that it is a good thing that so much is out of our control. What would the world be like if everyone got exactly what they wanted and everything worked out to each individuals advantage. Well, for one thing (and perhaps the most significant in my mind) is that we wouldn't learn much would we. This life is like a big classroom, the more you experience the better you off you will be when the bell rings at the end of class. And maybe, just maybe, as we struggle through each experience we just might learn enough to pass the test at the end.

So I am looking at my life right now. Really there is little I can control. I cannot stop these contractions and pains that keep coming, I cannot make my other symptoms (headaches, nausea, and constipation to name a few) go away, I cannot even control my 2 year old by "making" him stay at the table until his lunch is eaten (yes, he has a booster but I cannot lift him into it), I cannot control how clean or dirty my house is.

So what can I control? I can control my thoughts, my feelings, and how much I learn from all of this. The key thing here is that I can only control ME! I cannot control others, I cannot control what happens TO me, just how I deal with everything and how I treat those around me.

I really hope I am making sense and not just rambling. I am really tired! I cannot even control my sleep!!! Last night I took two Tylenol PM at 10:00 to help me sleep, like I do most nights. I still couldn't get to sleep until sometime after midnight. Then I woke up at 1:43AM with a hard contraction and then about every 20-30 minutes after that through the rest of the morning. I am still having contractions that are coming about every 30-45 minutes. So they are getting better again, but I am EXHAUSTED! Like I said, I cannot control what is happening to my body, not even the sleep I get.

This is a hard realization for a recovering "control-freak". I say recovering because I am not as bad as I use to be, but I am still not completely cured yet. Hey! Maybe THAT is what I am suppose to be learning with this?!?! You all just witnessed an "Ah-Ha moment"!

A poem to share...

2008-04-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

One thing that I enjoy doing is writing poetry. But I cannot just sit down and write anytime I feel like it. I have to be "in the zone" or have something deep down that needs to be said. This isn't one of my better pieces, but it is pertinent to what this blog is about so I thought I would share with you all!

"I CAN CHOOSE" written April 13, 2008 by Satina Tolman (me!)
As I lay here, it is entirely up to me
I choose what it is that I will see.
I can see my round growing belly
With a precious child I love so fully.
Not looking past my elevated feet
Dressed in sweats, not feeling too neat.
Or I can look beyond my body so sore
Admiring all the Lord has in store...
I look in awe at all that is around me
Where to start, oh yes, my loving family.
I laugh and smile at their funny ways
To be a child again, oh those were the days!
And then there is my loving husband
Through it all, he has been my best friend!
I cannot forget our other friends who come calling
Books, movies, and dinners they are bearing.
My home is so lovely and very comforting
Bed, couch, and even hammock, I am relaxing!
I look around at all I can see, the world passing by.
I listen to all I can hear, I'm so happy to be alive!
Yes, I choose largely what I will hear and see
These little blessings carry me through adversity!

a thought

2008-04-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

I am reading a wonderful book right now called, "No One Can Take Your Place" by Sheri Dew. In it there is a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley that says, "All of us are largely the product of the lives that touch ours."

This quote has stayed with me and replaying in my mind so many times over the past couple days that last night I had to look back in the book and find it so I could write down the exact quote.

As I think of this I picture in my mind a painting. Imagine the most beautiful painting you have ever seen. One that could only be painted by the hand of God. What do you see? Is there just one color? Just pastels or bright colors? No, my painting has every color imaginable. It has light pastels, bright vivid colors, points of bright white and areas of dark shadows. All of which play together and compliment each other to create a wonderful scene of my life. And it isn't finished yet!

If you look at a good painting, I'll use Thomas Kinkade paintings as a reference, you will notice all sorts of colors. You will see light illuminating the scene, you see shadows accentuating details. It is all working together. You cannot have light without shadow (or darkness), and how dull if you have only one hue or a few colors.

Our life is like a painting. And Like President Hinckly said each life that touches ours leaves a brush stroke, a color. Some bright, some dark. Maybe some people are such a huge influence that they leave more and others only leave a small dot. But together it all paints who we are.

I have had my share of dark shadows added to my painting, but I also rejoice to think of how much light and brightness has been added by so many. Especially in recent months.

Sometimes so much is added that is actually changes the whole look of a painting! I have known people whose lives are painted as an abandoned desert; dry desolate, alone. And then through a miraculous series of events the painting is changed to be a scene of excitement, life, and enthusiasm!

We cannot choose everyone we have in our lives, but we can choose how much they will influence our painting. What does your painting look like?

tug-o-war?

2008-04-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

After going into labor enough times you figure out your body's signs of, "okay, this is it, get ready..." and mine are pretty simple. I have nausea, the really bad kind and even actually vomit sometimes. I have constant low dull back pain, not the come and go of contractions but a constant ache that prevents you from ever getting comfortable. And I get really tired which is then usually followed by a surge of energy ready for the marathon of labor.

Well I have been feeling like I am about to go into labor for several days. It makes me quite nervous. I also think I lost my mucus plug on Sunday, but am not quite sure. I feel like there is a tug of war of sorts going on inside me. I feel like my body is trying really hard to go into labor, but the shots I am getting and the pills I am taking are preventing it. This, of course, is a good thing, but it is still quite nerve racking!

Oh, and another big thing is my contractions will get closer together and very intense (every 20-30 minutes) and then they will spread out a little and I will go a few hours with only having one an hour. But I was going 3-5 hours in between these hard contractions for about a week and a half straight. It was great! Now I am back to hourly or more! This is exhausting!

I just have to make it another 4 1/2 weeks! I am half way through bed rest. Just hang on there little guy!

My step-mother arrived last night to spend a week helping us. Then my in-laws will be here for two weeks. So I/we have three weeks of full time help! I am very excited about this. It is just hard. Even with all the amazing help that we have been getting from friends it is still hard during the in-between times when no one is here to help. Our two year old son is very active. If he is stinky (yes he is still in diapers, don't judge me!) then I have to get up and change him, if he needs a drink or is out of his snack, I have to get up and help him. Sometimes he is in just a stinker of a mood and tries to defiantly do things that he knows are not allowed and I have to take care of it. Like getting him out of the office and away from the computer. So being on bed rest with a two year old is an oxymoron, no matter how many wonderful friends come in to help here and there. I am so grateful for all the help we've been given, there is no doubt in my mind that I would not have made it this far without all the support we've been given. But I am also so very glad that we have some full time help so I can really stay down more, especially with the way I have been feeling.

So many people love this baby and they all need to pat themselves on the back for helping us along so far already! Thank you!

Check this out!

2008-04-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I am busy today, lots of post, sorry!

Anyway I have to start off by saying that I LOVE TO COOK AND BAKE! I teased my husband that I don't know if I will remember how to cook by this summer. IT may remain his job forever! But honestly I cannot wait to get back into the kitchen! I wanted to share with you one of my favorite "free finds" that I have been enjoying for about a year and a new favorite. Both to do with cooking and baking! Here you go...

If you go to www.kraftfoods.com you can sign up to receive their FREE recipe magazine that has so many fun things in it! It is called Food & Family. There are also fun "cooking school" lessons on there! Remember my "take a class" idea on my last post? Well, here you go! You just cannot actually try it yet and that may be tortuous!

My friend, Dianne, also turned me onto another blog called http://howtoeatacupcake.blogspot.com/ and it has tons of fun recipes on there! It is also fun to read, but if you do not have time for that then you can scroll down to see the different recipes. She even has photos to help you along! This is great new find!

Another old favorite of mine is the www.realsimple.com . Just click on the food section and you will find lots of recipes. I actually love a lot of what they have on their site. They have practical advice for cleaning, organizing, entertaining, parenting, home decor, etc. Check it out if you want.

Happy cooking!

Other bed rest projects...

2008-04-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

There is a lot you can do to help your mind stay rejuvenated during bed rest. I will be honest with you, it can be excruciatingly boring! I have watched several movies and I am sick of television! I have read several books, but after three and a half weeks I am bored with that now too. I still have a couple books I am working on, but I don't get glued to them like I was and I have to put them down often, my eyes just get tired.

So here are some new projects I am doing. Some suggestions for anyone having to "stay down" for whatever reason...

Write thank you cards! Keep up on this so that it doesn't get overwhelming. You can even make them yourself. Kids love to help cut paper and pick out things that go together. In a reclined position you can have a something hard on your lap to do the writing or stamping (I use a small dry erase board we happen to have for my lap desk.) It helps you to get your creativity out.
Organize recipes! I have so many loose recipes that I am always struggling to fine the one I want (back when I was actually cooking!) SO I am working on typing them into my computer program. I have a great program that my mother-in-law gave me a while back. Check it out on www.livingcookbook.com !
Keep a journal! (or a blog) I am actually doing both. My journal is for more personal things. I even writen letters to my children and husband that I will let them read someday. I actually have a plan to compile all my letters to my children (I write one at least once a year and sometimes will write one if I want them to know of an event or act that was particularly touching or funny) and give it to them when they leave home. I include special moments, lots of compliments, and my testimony in them. I hope they will treasure these letters as much as I treasure each of them. I even write them letters when they are still in the womb! Yes, I have written on to this little son too!
Write you life story! This is something I want to start. I actually started it a couple years ago, but got busy and never finished. Once I get all those magazine clippings done (see previous post!) then I will take on this project! I want my children to know their mom even before I was a mom. I want my posterity to know me and know where they came from, even if they never meet me. I love reading old stories from the pioneers. I do not have much of that in my family. I would love to know more about where I came from.
I love to draw and write poetry. Give it a try, even if it isn't great, it can be fun and fulfilling. If you really cannot draw, then color! I love to color in coloring books with my kids. There is something soothing about coloring, and something special about doing it with a child by your side.
Learn a new "sit down" hobby! I have a dear friend who is coming over tomorrow to teach me how to crochet! I am going to try my hand at it! I have always wanted to, but have never been patient enough to learn. Well, now I have nothing much to do except be patient! So now is a perfect time to learn and once I am better at it I can hopefully continue this new hobby as I watch television with my husband late at night, sit on a park bench watching my children, or sitting around a campfire visiting with friends and family. I just hope I can catch on okay, it certainly does NOT look easy!
Make plans. Sometimes it helps to have something to look forward to. Plan your garden layout (my dear husband will have to plant ours this year, but he is up for it. He actually helps every year, but this year he will be in charge). Plan a vacation, even if it is to a local campsite. Plan a lunch out with your friends for after your baby is born (or after you are done going through whatever it is that has you down). Plan your "dream vacation" even if it is a long shot that you will ever be able to go, it is sometimes fun to dream!
Take a class! What? You are on bed rest! You cannot just go down to the local college and take up a class! Oh, but you do not have to leave the bed or couch to learn something! There are many online classes, many of which are free! There is one my Grandma has been telling me about on Oprah, there are self improvement classes on sites like www.ivillage.com , you can find foreign language classes, and much more! I have not personally taken any so I cannot vouch for the classes you may find. But I plan to if I get the time! I will let you know if I run into anything worth sharing. I would appreciate any suggestions as well! Just do a web search for "free online classes" and see what is out there for you!
Call a friend! Sometimes as we are cooped up in our homes it is nice to have some adult conversation to break up the monotony. Especially if you have a friend who is sick and needs a pep talk! Thankfully I have friends who stop by daily and I welcome their company more than their help!
Serve! Like I said in my previous post. There are ways to serve from bed rest. Be creative!

That is all I can think of for now. More may come to me but I hope these are helpful for now. Take care and stay positive!

I've been busy!

2008-04-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while because I have actually been too busy! What I have been doing this past week? I actually have been "serving" from bed rest! I have been able to cut up core board and ribbon for my cub scouts. They are making "Jacobs Ladders" and even though I cannot be there in person to help, I can get the supplies ready. I have a friend who needs a bunch of magazine pictures cut out for an art project she is doing at the school, but her right arm is broken so I am cutting them out for her. I have over 160 pictures cut out so far! I have been able to help talk a few friends through problems they are facing right now and be a listening ear, offering advice when asked. I have loaned books and given away supplies and ingredients to people who need something. It makes me feel so good to be able to still feel like a contributing part of society even though I am stuck at home!

So another piece of advice for those of you facing bed rest? Just because you have to be down, doesn't mean you have to be useless! There is a lot to be said about doing any little thing you can, it helps your mood and your self esteem.

I know I know, I am not "useless" to our baby because I am doing the most important thing for him that no one else on the planet can. But sometimes when I am lying on the couch and I see a friend who has graciously come over make my son and me lunch (something I wish I could do), load my dishwasher (something you would think I could do), and then pick him up with such ease and carry him to the bedroom to change his diaper (my heart breaks when I cannot even be a mother in the most basic way to him!), I feel a bit worthless. BUT when I am the one who the kids bring a book to and cuddle up with for story time, or talk to about their day (at least those things haven't changed) I still feel like a "mom" and when I can still help a friend even if it is in a small way, then I still feel like a "friend" and if I can lay their next to my wonderful husband and scratch his back (he loves that) then I still feel like his "wife". So although it is different and not as involved, I am still who I am and I still am all those things that I was before being put on bed rest. So being able to serve is a big part of who I am and I love that I can give back just a little. But don't you worry, when all is said and done and I am use to my "new normal" life I will be paying it forward again...as much as I possibly can!

Perceptions

2008-04-04T15:18:00.001-07:00

Life, or how you deal with it, is all about perceptions (at least that is MY perception!) I was explaining to a friend recently why I am able to be positive through "most" of this bed rest. I have already been honest with you all and told you how I have days where I just cry, I'm a girl, I'm hormonal, it's all good. Anyway I told her that it is all about perception. If I keep things in perspective then I can always say, "life could be worse, I am grateful for where I am". Our children are healthy, my husband has a great job, we live in a wonderful house surrounded by great supportive friends, I have a testimony and relationship with my Savior, I have plenty to eat, etc, etc. I can say to myself, "Yes, I am on bed rest. No, it's not easy. BUT at least I am not in the NICU with a tiny sick baby two hours away from my family!" And IF we do end up in the NICU sometime it will be very hard, no doubt about that. But then I can say, "at least I made it 3 (or hopefully more) weeks and wasn't in the NICU with an even tinier baby for an even longer amount of time." Do you get my point?

We can use this positive thinking about any situation in life. I honestly believe that. It has worked for me so much and I only fully adopted it about 4 1/2 years ago, although I truly would try for years prior I just didn't get it yet. I guess I wasn't ready. Wow! What a difference it has made in my life! I am very open about the fact that I was on anti-depressant medication for 8 years and I have been successfully off of all medication for 4 years this month! Wow! That is such a bragging point for me!

I can say "successfully" because of what I have dealt with in the last four years without medication. AND I haven't had a major depressive episode except my post partum depression which occurred at the same time my brother was sick in the hospital fighting for his life. And I can honestly say that I was able to deal with my depression without it bringing down my children. I was open with friends and family about what I was going through so that they would know and could help me. It all goes back to having a support system. Other than my three months of PPD after our 2 year old son was born (by the way I had PPD after our 6 year old daughter was born too and didn't handle that nearly as well, thankfully our first son was only 2 years old and doesn't remember mommy's hours of crying!), I have been able to handle everything else life has thrown at me with great faith and what I have been told is a "normal" response that everyone goes through. Like losing my brother, helping friends through difficult times, having my biological father (actually his sister) find me after 23 years of not knowing them, dealing with extended family problems, having sick children, not to mention the daily demands of being a mom. So yes, your right, I am totally patting myself on the back here. But the point I am trying to make is I couldn't do any of this, change my life, live without help of a pill, if it weren't for my theory of "perceptions". Some food for thought. Take care and ENJOY YOUR LIFE, no matter where you are in it!

Leona Lewis!

2008-04-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

I usually do not get to watch things like the morning news, but since I have had a lot of time on my hands lately I get to catch up on quite a bit of TV (and I am already bored with it!). On "Good Morning America" they had a guest on named Leona Lewis. She was the winner of the Britain's American Idol (called xfactor). She is amazing! I am a huge fan of hers already, as long as she keeps her music clean. There is a song that I would like to share with everyone and the powerful video that accompanies it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It really spoke to me especially in what I am going through now and what I have been through in the past couple of years. Mainly, my baby brother (23 years old) died of leukemia last March. That is still a painful thing for me, a piece of me that I can never get back. But I know where he is and that he is happy and whole. Just like I know I am doing all I can right now and things will be okay.

Anyway, here is the link to the video on youtube. I hope you enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d08X2lN669k

29 weeks!

2008-04-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention in my last post how far along I am! As of today I am 29 weeks!!! Yeah! I have to make it to 35 weeks to be able to deliver here in our town's hospital. So once I get to May 16th I can get up off bedrest and our son can be born anytime after that. I will continue to get my shots until 36 weeks though. Things are looking good! Three weeks down and six to go!

My doctor's appointment this week

2008-04-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

Things are still looking great!!! Our baby boy looks like he is handling things just fine and his heart is really strong. Yeah! He is always very active and I already think he is taking after his active 2 year old brother! My cervix has not changed anymore which is great. (the shots are working!) My contractions are slowing way down to every couple of hours! (the meds I take at home and the bedrest are working!) That sure beats 2-3 contractions an hour that I was having! This week has been a lot better.

I will still go in every week to be monitored and get my shot and exam. I still take my meds at home, which I got a new Rx today to help with some of the side effects so I should be feeling better with my headaches soon. Nathan is driving me to the chiropractor tomorrow for an adjustment of my upper back and neck so that should help with that pain (I got that okayed by my doctor today).

So things are looking up and I have a renewed feeling of "I can do this!"

Things are better.

2008-03-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

After that last post I thought I better let everyone know that I am feeling much better. I had a couple emotional and moody days. Blame it on the bed rest, blame it on the hormones, blame it on the stressful situation, or just blame it on the fact that I am a woman!

I still hate being on bed rest, I am not going to sugar coat it for you. But it is back to being tolerable and I have hope again as I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I am trying to count my blessings again and stop feeling sorry for myself. I knew this was a possibility when we decided to try for another child. So what if things got scary sooner than expected. Life is hardly what we expect anyway is it? Almost everyday something comes along and you pause and say, "Whoa, didn't see that coming." And then we deal with it and move on. It happens so much in fact that I don't think most of it realize these little blimps unless they are huge. We are so use to "going with the flow" or acclimating to life that it hardly ever effects us.

Actually I think if we understand this fact better we can all be better parents. Because we, as adults, are use to these gliches. But children are new at this. They don't react as well or adjust as quickly all the time. So then there is temper tantrums, "attitude problems" and other issues that we as their parents have to deal with as they have to learn to deal with the curve balls life throws them. I have realized that as I try to put myself in their shoes and empathize with their feelings that I am much more patient with them. And yes, sometimes it is me who has the melt down because I cannot seem to roll with the punches as well as I'd like. That's life. Nobody's perfect.

2008-03-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was really hard. This is pretty personal but I feel that if I am not "real" on my blog then others will not benefit or learn anything from my experience. And that is a big reason I am doing this in the first place.

I broke down and cried, okay sobbed, three times yesterday afternoon (Once I even cried myself to sleep and woke up 20 minutes later!) I just felt depressed and overwhelmed. I have been trying so hard to be positive, focus on the little milestones, remember what's "important", cling to my faith and lean on my family. But sometimes it is all just too much!

Yesterday my issues were;

1. What if our baby comes this week? That means our little son and I will be in the hospital, 2 hours away from my family, for at least a month. I remembered back to when I was there for 2 weeks with our other son and the loneliness I felt and the scared overwhelming feelings all came flooding back to me. I just do not know if I can go through that again!

2. I am so worried about Nathan and the kids, they are dealing with so much too! How is this truly effecting them? Nathan has so much to do and I know he is stressed out, the kids are pitching in more and I know they are totally capable and willing, but what if it becomes too much for them? I worry about my family. I love them so much and I have been blessed with the best family that I could ever dream of. Correction, they are better than I ever dreamed of!

3. I am worried about our unborn son. I know that he seems to be doing well and the doctors are checking him weekly with the monitors and he is doing great, growing perfectly and moving a lot. But, what if this all becomes too much for him. Even on bed rest I have very hard contractions. What if there comes a point when he doesn't handle them well. What if he does come too early and has a lot of problems? I worry about him. I love him so much already!!!

So anyway, I do try really hard to count my blessings and I defiantly recognize the Lord's hand in our lives. I am grateful for so much and I do not have any regrets. But at the same time I am scared, and sometimes all I can do is cry and let it out. Today I do feel better. Thank you for "listening". This blog thing is therapeutic!

Cuddle time!

2008-03-29T16:47:00.001-07:00

The best part about bed rest (probably the only good part other than getting out of housework) is the cuddles and quality time I get to spend with my family. The kids will lay with me in bed to read book together or watch television. They will hang out with me and play games and "just talk" a lot more than we normally get time for. It is really sweet! Here are some photos of some of my quality time.

These little moments help when I have to miss out on other things. For example Nathan had to video tape the two older children when they had their first Tae Kwon Do belt testing. They passed and were so proud of themselves. I hated missing it and I watched the video through tears. It is so hard! They have school music programs coming up that I will miss and scouting activities that I will miss. But I keep trying to tell myself that this is only a short time and I will be there for them the next time around. It is still heart breaking though. As I am doing everything I can for one child, I feel like I am falling short for my other children.

Product advice...

2008-03-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

I would like feedback on products I am considering for this new little guy

First of all does anyone have a double jogging stroller they love and would recommend. I really want one! I think I would prefer a tandem style and something with a windbreaker attachment. I also would like something that folds pretty easy, compact and is lightweight so it can fit in the back of my van and be taken to the park. I know I am asking a lot. I also am aware that any double jogger is going to be a bit heavy, but some are heavier than others and some fold more compactly than others. So please tell me if you know of a good one!

Also I have seen a lot about the "L'oved Baby" nursing shawl and am thinking of getting one. I might make one actually. Has anybody used a nursing shawl and liked it? Hated it? I nurse for a good 10 months or more with each of my children and once they get big enough to kick and squirm the blanket just doesn't stay put. Honestly I think I will make one with different features I have seen on different brands so if anyone has a "favorite feature" I can incorporate or even knows of a cool pattern, please let me know!

If there are any other great new things out there for babies that you have deemed as a "must have" I would love to hear about it. Even though this is my fourth child, there are new things all the time and I am far from knowing everything. And anything to make life easier since he will be my fourth I would gladly welcome! Thanks!!!

I've been tagged!

2008-03-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

So I have a friend, Dianne, who is really into this blogging thing and a dear friend. She "tagged" me and this is what it said. Now I could ignore it and not bore you all, but since I am the one on bed rest and bored myself I am going to try to get through this. My kids are at a movie night at the neighbors and my hubby is at church so I'll get this out of the way...

Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Whew! I just had to take a minute to breath through another BIG contraction. Those hurt!

#1. I have a very wide and varied range in the music I like. Once my husband and I went to a Bon Jovi concert and a Yanni concert in the same month! I love concerts and I love music! The only music I really do not like is heavy rap, grunge (that screaming stuff), heavy metal (although I love some songs from certain artist), and anything that is crude in the lyrics. I am very cautious about what I listen to with the kids around. UB40, Frank Sinatra, Jack Johnson, John Mayer, Alabama, Kenny Rogers, etc. I love it all. I love music from all decades as well. It just depends on what mood I'm in.

#2. I love to sing! To my kids, in the shower, doing dishes, working in the yard, whenever wherever. As long as NO ONE, but my kids, can hear me! I have heard those people who think they have a great voice but sound like a mating call from a howler monkey, you know the ones we've seen them on American Idol. Well, I am one of those people who know I can't sing so as much as I enjoy it, I do my best to spare the world the agony.

#3. I am one of those weird people who love to clean! It is a stress reliever for me. If I can go clean a bathroom and leave it sparkling and smelling fresh, all the while working out my frustrations on the soap scum, I just feel good! I usually NEED order and cleanliness for my brain to function and I am usually a very organized person so that the house kind of falls into this routine. I do a little bit everyday and it stays overall cleaned up. I don't feel overwhelmed and it doesn't take time away from my family. For example all the tips on flylady that I have taken the time to read are things I pretty much do already! Hey! I should've been flylady!

But - since I've been on bed rest and things are being taken care of mostly by a man and kids (with gracious help here and there from friends) I haven't cared, because right now it is not important and I recognize that! Plus, I am realizing that they have been trained very well because my house is still looking pretty good! Dusty, but good!

#4. I love food! And I will be the first to admit that I am one of the most unhealthy eaters around. And if it is dessert, especially cheesecake...whoa - hold me back! I cannot resist! I love Indian, Italian, Mexican, Chinese, American, etc. My weakness is smoothies! I love mixing up different ones and my favorites are tropical flavor - mangoes, pineapple, etc. Yummy! Man I wish someone was here to make me a smoothy right now! (Remember I'm not lazy, I'm on bed rest!)

#5 I love to run! Which is a good thing since I love food so much! I am not a long distance runner and could never imagine doing a marathon. I envy and admire those with such strength, stamina, and dedication who can do it. I like a good 3-5 mile run, depending on how much time I have. It is so exhilarating! I love the runners high I feel for hours afterwards, sometimes all day! In fact when I can't run, like throughout this whole pregnancy, I have running dreams! How weird is that!

I also love other forms of exercising. My other favorites would have to be swimming, hiking, cycling, pilates, and jumping on the trampoline with the kids! All of which I haven't done throughout this pregnancy!

#6. I love to travel! Nathan (hubby) and I have traveled to Guatemala twice together, Belize, the Puget sound, and Caribbean. We have gone on other local couples excursions and love to travel. Of course I miss the kids when we are gone and call all the time, but it is so good to get away with just him about once a year. And we do quite a bit of traveling with the children too. Mostly road trips and camping. Luckily our children travel really well!

#7. I am one of those funny two sided chics. I love getting a massage, dressing up nice, etc, and being a girlie girl. But I also love camping, hiking, fishing, and doing all the woodsy tough chic stuff too! I have always been into the outdoors! I have been a Girl Scout most of my life and am now my daughter's Brownie leader (and my son's cub scout leader).

So those were a little hard to come up with. My friends and family, I think, know all this about me, but it was fun. If you want to take on the challenge then consider yourself tagged!

Another Tip!

2008-03-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

So my first bed rest survival tip was to have a support system set up, very important. But today I am battling another whoa of bed rest...neck pain-shoulder pain-hip pain-all over body pain! So my next tip for anyone having to be on bed rest for any reason; have plenty of heating pads and ice packs to help your aches and pains. Be careful not to overheat your body and never place the heating pad near your belly. But this is the only way I am avoiding being in complete tears today! I also recommend getting a massage from anyone willing to give you one! You hubby, even your kids! It really helps! And unfortunately Tylenol is the only thing I know of to take for pain so I do, I have to! Warm baths are great and keep flipping and changing positions or you will be sorry! Use LOTS of pillows and just bear through it! Good luck! If anyone has any advice for me that I haven't thought of, please let me know!

Our Little Son!

2008-03-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd share one of his ultrasound pictures!

Good help is NOT hard to find!

2008-03-26T15:29:00.001-07:00

I briefly mentioned some friends who have helped me in my previous blog and I thought I should say more on this. How do I survive bed rest? With a LOT of help! I have three kids; ages 9,6, and 2 and our closest relatives live over 8 hours away. We tried to get family to come and help but everyone has their busy lives with work, health, and other issues so as much as everyone really wants to, no one can come out just yet. So we had to turn to our friends.

We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and live in an area where everyone, members of our church and not, are so willing to help! We have friends driving the kids to and from school for us, helping with meals, cleaning house, childcare, calling to check in, visiting, driving to doctors appointments, grocery shopping, bringing flowers, loaning books and videos, etc. It has been a huge blessings to our family and we have felt so loved and watched over.

My husband, Nathan, has been amazing! He is self-employed and has a very busy work life and he has big commitments at church as well. But he spends as much time as he can at home taking care of the children and me. He has resumed the responsibilities of mom on top of being the amazing dad he already is, he has also taken all my housewife chores as well. He is so great. The older two kids, 9yr old son and 6 yr old daughter, are also being extra helpful especially with their little 2 yr old brother. They have voluntarily taken on more chores and have been very loving.

I see my family going through the stress of worrying about the baby and me and it is a group effort to give our new son the best chance we can. I am so grateful when friends come in to help and Nathan doesn't have to make dinner when he comes home and the kids don't have to do the dishes because somebody came and did that for us. How wonderful it is!

For anyone else going through a difficult pregnancy my best advice is to set up a support system! This can be through family, one best friend, or a whole church/community helping you out! It takes so much off your worry list so that you can focus on the one things that you can do and no one else can, carry that baby!

I know it is so hard, it is still hard for me to just lay there and watch someone else care for my children and sweep my floors and my husband having a million things on his to-do list. But as I was complaining about how "guilty" I felt to a friend of mine recently she pointed out something that has made it easier. It still isn't easy to humble myself but this certainly helped. She asked me, "Do you think it was easy for the disciples to allow Jesus to wash their feet and serve them in such a humble way?" Well, no I don't think that was easy for them, I could even imagine a few of them reflexively pulling their feet back not wanting their Master to do such a humble act of service in their behalf. I personally would have a hard time. But they didn't say "no" to the Savior and I shouldn't say "no" or feel uncomfortable when others are trying to serve me as Jesus would want them to. He has taught us to serve, to love one another and these friends of mine are so very Christ-like. I am trying really hard to humble myself and and do what another friend of mine told me to do, "Lay down, shut-up, and be humble." Okay!

It's all good!

2008-03-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

My friend, Chauntelle, and I have a saying, "It's all good". And that about sums things up for today. I had my weekly doctors appointment today and things are all looking great! I was hooked up to the monitor for an hour and his heart rate looked great. I was checked and my cervix was unchanged. I am measuring at 27 cm which is perfect (I feel like a whale but at least the baby is growing as he should!). I got my weekly shot so my bum will be sore for a day, but no worries there!

I am feeling so relieved! My anxiety always goes up a little before my doctors appointments and today was the first one my hubby couldn't be at with me so I was extra nervous. But I was still taken very good care of. I had on friend take all three of our kids for the day (it is spring break so they are all home this week) and that is a huge help!!! Thank you Dianne!!! Then I had another friend drive me to the doctor and kindly stay the whole hour and a half with me which was very comforting. Thank you Zouri! And another friend come and give me lunch and do my dishes for me even though the children weren't here. Thank you Alicia! I am so blessed and feel so loved! My friends are the greatest, most unselfish, giving, compassionate people ever! Thank you all!!!

Why do I do this?

2008-03-25T08:16:00.001-07:00

My path to motherhood has not been a easy one, most aren't I suppose. Let me explain so that others may be able to relate to me better...

Our first son was born term but after 9 weeks on bed rest. He was a healthy, round baby weighing in at 8# 14oz! Now for those of you who do not know me, I am 5 feet 1 inch tall and a petite frame (no, I will not share my weight!) so it is always shocking at how big my babies get!

Our second child, born 2 years and 2 months later, was 7#7oz. But she was born at 34 1/2 weeks after 6 weeks of bed rest! Our daughter had some breathing problems that put her on a heart lung monitor for 5 months and now she has asthma. But other than that both of our older children are perfectly healthy, typical children. We were truly blessed.

Then after suffering three miscarriages we were finally blessed with another son 4 1/2 years later. He was born at 32 weeks after 4 weeks of bed rest weighing in at a hefty 5#12oz! He spent 13 days in the NICU at a hospital two hours away from home. I stayed with him.

Luckily our babies are born big since they want to come early. There is no reason other than heredity for their above average weight. I was a 9# baby and now I am a little person. All of our kids are little people now too. Funny how things work out.

So here is the part that gets me. Some people actually had the audacity of asking if our third child was a "oops baby" or an "accident"!!! How dare they! First of all it is no ones business and second of all they had no idea how much or how long I wanted him to join our family! And if that wasn't bad enough I have been asked the very rude and blunt question of "why would you put yourself through this again? You know you have tough pregnancies so why push your luck?" and things like that. Well, here is my response for the whole world to read...

When our third child was born the doctor who delivered him (not my doctor, I had be transferred to another town because he was so early) told me that I shouldn't have anymore children because of what happened. This was a terrible time in my life and depression set in because of our baby being in the NICU and me recovering from an emergency Cesarean section and being 2 hours away from my family only to see them a couple times a week. It was hard so I let that go.

Over the first 18 moths or so of his life I tried to convince myself that we were done having children because that is what this doctor has said. But last summer when our son was a year and a half, my heart started to ache fiercely. I knew there was another child for our family. We were not complete yet. My wonderful husband and I talked a lot about it, we prayed a lot about it, we talked to my doctor about it. We told her that we were convinced we wanted another child, but if it was medically not a good idea then talk us out of it. She looked over my records and talked in length with us about our options. She laid it all out on the table saying that there was no reason we couldn't have another child and that this time I would be watched over very carefully and for the first time be given a weekly injection that has very good success at preventing preterm labor. First of all I have never had the same doctor or lived in the same place with any of my pregnancies so I was comforted with the fact that she knew me better and would take good care of me and I have never tried this shot before. So we felt good about our decision to try for another child. I did, however, tell my husband that I couldn't bear to go through another miscarriage and if that happened I do not know if I could go on.

After a very sick and very scary first trimester I was still pregnant and our excitement grew. This was truly meant to be. We knew it. So here we are again. On bed rest fighting to give our baby the best odds. But I have done this for our other three children and of course I am willing to do the same for this child. I love all four of my children more than I could ever fully express!!!

Now, do I feel I have "pushed the envelope" this time? Well to be honest I feel very blessed and lucky that they have this shot, because without it I do believe we would be either morning the loss of our son, or watching over his tiny body in the NICU. But I am still pregnant and he is still growing healthy and I am completely willing to go through whatever I have to for any of my children if it means they are safe, healthy and happy.

Another bold question that has been asked of us is "are we done after this one?" This is also very personal. But this time my doctor agreed that if I were to try for another one I would be pushing it and my chances are very low of carrying the baby to viability. I couldn't bear that. So, although no final decisions have been made, I love the idea of a family of six! I feel that four children is a wonderful number for us. I have always wanted a big family and this feels big without feeling too overwhelming. This is our families choice and I respect every one's choice to have families as big as they feel is right for them.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not upset with anybody as it may seem. I do feel frustrated when I get asked such personal questions and that is why I put all this out there so no one has to ask or wonder anymore. It is natural to wonder. I understand that.

Can't sleep!

2008-03-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I read until late not being able to surrender to sleep and them this morning I awoke before 5:00AM. I was wide awake and had less than five hours of sleep and that is even with a sleeping pill taken at 11:00PM!

I guess it is is no surprise since I am just sitting around doing nothing all day. I mean, why would I be tired anyway? But the crazy thing is that I am so exhausted! But I am not active like I normally am so I can't rest. The contractions that come all day long where me out and I have to take several minutes after each one to "recover" but other than that I am not doing anything physical. I am a runner in my normal life and very active with my kids, so this is pure torture! That is why I am keeping a blog, to document how I am surviving.

I think it is ironic that now I have all the time in the world to rest and sleep but I cannot and in a couple months I will be needing the sleep so badly but will not have any time! Funny how life works sometimes!

my website...

2008-03-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

I did put together a website about four years ago to help women and families who are dealing with Post Partum Depression. It has some of my story on there and I invite you to check it out and especially to pass it on to anyone you feel might benefit from it. The web address is wwww.postpartummothers.com. I am in the process of updating my story on there since it hasn't been updated in over two years. But the rest of the information and links are all great information. I share this with you for a couple of reasons; (1) to spread the word and help others who are suffering from PPD and(2) to introduce myself a little more.

Why am I doing this???

2008-03-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

First of all, this is very much out of my comfort zone. I do send out regular e-mail updates to close family and friends who are long distance to keep them updated on our little family, share pictures, etc. But to put my life out on the WWW for anyone and everyone to read? Am I crazy? I never liked the idea of "blogs". I always thought they were too impersonal and I personally didn't have time for them.

But a friend of mine convinced me that this would not only be therapeutic for me but also could possible help many other women out there (and even their families) who are going through what I am right now. And if I can do something, anything, to help someone else then I am on board.

What is it that I "am going through"? Well, I am 27 weeks pregnant with our fourth child and have been put on strict bed rest at 26 weeks. My wonderful husband and I have been married for 10 1/2 years and have a 9, 6, and 2 year old. I am worried for the well-being of my family; "how are they handling this, will it effect my children in the long run?" I am scared to death for the well-being of our unborn son; "what will be his fate if he comes too early, I cannot bring myself to even imagine." And I am trying so hard to lean on my faith and testimony that everything will be okay and that the Lord is watching out for me and my precious family. I have great comfort in the wonderful supportive family I have and the amazing support from friends. Even in the middle of this difficult time I do count myself as one of the most blessed! And that is why I have decided to do a blog. I will share my thoughts, my feelings, my testimony, my survival tips, and hopefully another family who has to go through bed rest and a high risk pregnancy will be able to gain some strength from it. And if I am lucky I may even get some strangers advice in return and gain a few friends. My initial plan is to keep this blog going through my bed rest because I do not know if I will be able to keep up with it with four children, one of which will be a newborn. But hey, you never know. This may prove to be more therapeutic than scary after all.